why?! (Why am I unlucky in love)
I am a girl who has always been optimistic not in general, but about my love life in particular, but life has only brought me disappointment regarding love so why didn't positive thinking help me here and how can i regain my faith in the law of attraction and that i will find my soul mate while time is passing me by and I’m still what i am ??
I am 34 years old, always dreamed I would fall in love with the perfect person, have lots of kids and live happily ever after. I came from a broken home that was violent and disrespectful. I can’t say what I thought love was suppose to look like, but I new what it wasn’t and I wasn’t very nice about it. If you showed any signs of looking anything like what I grew up with I was not interested. Hell I was young I had all the time in the world to find Ms. Right.
At Age twenty two, I found it. I fell hard and I new instantly that this was the girl I would spend the rest of my life with. I remember thinking wow, it really worked I held out for the perfect person and now I have her. I let go of all abandon. Sure she wasn’t perfect, but I couldn’t see that. She really could do no wrong. I was in love.
That relationship ended only 5 months after it began. I was crushed. It ended without reason. There was no talking it out, there were no answers, it was just over and I was left heart broken, angry and confused. I remember driving to my moms house and when she opened the door, I just fell to my knees and started crying. I cried for months.
I was never the same after that. Everyone I dated and there were plenty. It seemed the little world I lived in was doing the happy dance because everyone wanted the chance to court me and now they had that chance. Problem was I couldn’t let anyone in. I didn’t trust myself. It took me nearly two years to forgive myself for loving someone I thought was incapable of love. How could I be so blind, so stupid I thought.
I remember I saw her out one day with someone else. We hadn’t talked in some time, but I new I still loved her and really it didn’t matter if she loved me or not. I knew I loved her. That was the start of my healing. I walked over to her and without any words I just wrapped my arms around her and was quit surprised when she squeezes back. Neither one of us said anything.
It was then that I realized I could love again. I never forgot her and we became friends. Not close friends, but we talked from time to time and as the years passed we both dated a number of people and then one day we finally grew up and what do you know we both found ourselves in a grown up relationship with grown up responsibilities.
Even though I knew I could love again I still didn’t let anyone come to far into my world. I always kept them at a safe distance, Then there was Stacey, and I not consciously, said, I’m tired of not letting anyone love me and so I did. We had fun together and for the first time I had someone I could count on in my life. After only a year we bought a house together and we made plans for a family, we even tried adoption.
Ginger, My first love, also found herself in a committed relationship. For both of us It was a first. I mean the kind of relationship with real commitments like shared bills and family time. We even double dated a couple of times.
5 years passed for Stacey and I and the truth, I never stopped loving Ginger and I never stopped saying good night to her. Every night when I went to bed I said a prayer and it always included a prayer that ginger be happy and have all she ever dreamed of and then I would whisper goodnight Ginger. I did this for 11 years. Yet, I was with Stacey and I loved her and she loved me.
Then one day we just said what are we doing. Stacey and I had love, we had a home, we had friendship, but we new we weren’t as happy as we could be. We weren’t right for each other. It took us 6 months to talk it out. It was hard. We loved each other, but we new there was something more for both of us. She moved into her own apartment and I continued to stay at the house while we worked out the logistics of separating ourselves and our lives. I t was not easy for either of us, but we helped each other pick up the pieces and move forward with our lives. Shortly after she moved out she began dating a friend she had been smitten with for some time. Her new girlfriend is a much better fit for her than I ever was. She not only has love now, she is fully expressed and she is happy and I am grateful that she was a part of my life.
Ginger had just ended a 5 year relationship as well, for basically the same reasons and she too grateful. I went a little wild and had a fling with someone I would have never had a fling with in the past because I always had to do things right. Ginger and I started spending more time together and even though I had never stopped loving her, I kept her at a distance and she had done the same. So, now all grown up we became the kind of friends that took evening walks together and met for lunch occasionally. We would talk for hours on the phone, then one day she said it was suppose to be me. It still took several months before that first kiss, I was still keeping her at a distance.
That night, the night of our first kiss, she said you are never allowed to kiss another again, this is it and I agreed. That was a year ago and I love her more today than ever. We talk about it sometimes and all those years we spent loving each other and never having the courage to share that information with each other and how all the life we lived and all the love we had with others made us better prepared for what is now the best relationship of our lives.
I tell you this story not for the sake of the story, but for the lessons it can teach. Sometimes we allow the hurt we feel from one person spread to others. I couldn’t allow anyone in because I made them pay for the hurt I felt all those years ago. I spent 5 years making others pay for a relationship that lasted only 5 months. That is lesson one. It is your choice too allow someone to love you and for you to love them with abandon, each and every time and if you don’t that’s your fault. You also have to remember that others had that relationship and you may be paying for it and it’s not your fault. We all are human, we all hurt and yet we all want love, sometimes we just don’t realize we are getting in our own way. I had to let go of that stuff in order to find the love I found in Stacey, if I hadn’t I would not have had that love, I would not have know what it felt like to have someone I could count on.
Lesson two, Sometimes the timing just isn’t right. Ginger and I were young and had a lot of living to do before we could be ready for each other. We both had a lot of lessons we had to learn before we could be together. The fact that we only made it 5 months the first time was a blessing. We loved each other, she just new and was brave enough to take action to say it’s not time yet, I’m not done sewing my wild oats. In some ways I think she was more mature than I was at the time. I hadn’t sewn my wild oats either and I had some living yet to do to love her the way I needed to. I am more confident in who I am now and more confident in our relationship because of it.
Lesson three, You have to be strong enough to make the hard decisions. Stacey and I could have stayed together. We did love each other after all, we had a comfortable life, we just wanted more and more importantly we loved each other enough to want more for each other.
The final lesson, The law of attraction is working. It may have taken 11 years to bring us back together, but I never stopped believing I would be with Ginger, I said goodnight to her every night for 11 years and she said goodnight to me. You have to remember though. We had other dreams and other things we wanted. The universe laws are at work. We may not like the time frame, but in order for things to work in our best interest to get all the things we want and believe in and work toward, the universe has to shift and it is not done over night.
Being unlucky in love isn’t the worst thing. I was unlucky in love and time was passing me by, but now I see I was just being prepared for what would be the best time of my life. I wish you love and happiness.
P.S. Something my momma always says that might help is, God answers all prayers. Sometimes the anwser is yes, sometimes the answer is no and many times the answer is not right now.