There's no use trying,one can't believe impossible things! said Alice- I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen

by Yelena Novikova
(Brooklyn, NY)

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said: "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen.

Positive thinking was never something I gave much thought before. Yet now it is at the very center of my thinking process, because I am trying to rebuild my inner self, which was lost and I recently realized just how far I’ve gone down the rabbit hole.

I am changing my outlook with the help of a wonderful new person in my life. He appeared out of thin air one day and demanded that I remember that I am alive and still young. He insisted I shake off my depression and open my eyes to the beauty and possibilities of happiness, I still have in this life. He told me about his near death experience and how it changed his attitude towards life, how he is never down in the dumps anymore, because he is happy to be alive and appreciates every day and lives life to the fullest. His motto is “All In”.

Frankly, at first, this much optimism and bouncy happiness made me not only uncomfortable, but made me want to hurl. It was too much, it was all too happy-happy, I felt it was not real, or at least not for me, I could not believe that I too, can see life this way and be happy again. I felt almost offended by his good humor and mood, I felt resentful, yet deep down I wanted it badly.

As annoyed as I was with him for being so cool and positive, I was immediately drawn to him, just anticipating seeing him, for a day of watching a game on TV with his family and having some blended drinks made me excited! Just being around him, I felt light, like I could charge my batteries, from this person and feel better and get stronger.

The day we were to meet up and drive to his family’s house in Far Rockaway, I was expecting him to pick me up and needed to drop off my house key to a friend, who sometimes would dog sit for me. I was walking down the same street I always walk, down Brighton 5th street, and ran into my dog sitter/friend, who was walking with a girl. As soon as I approached them I gave him my key along with instructions on walking Eli, my pit bull and took off. All the while though, my friend kept looking at me funny and smiling. As I left them, he texted me on my cell phone, he said: “I have never seen you so happy before, for as long as I have know you! You were positively glowing! You look like a different person today.”
And I was, that’s when I realized that I allowed that positive energy in, at last, and that it’s filling me from the inside out, and I finally embraced it. I welcomed the fact that I too, MAY BE HAPPY.

I tried and I did not fail.
Happiness and positive outlook are hard work for me, as it doesn’t come naturally to me, and it is constant work, but it is NOT IMPOSSIBLE! As my ‘guardian angel’ tells me: “Let go of the negative thoughts and assumptions, don’t wish negative events into being reality”

It is a work in progress, but it gives me hope and a second chance at life. I don’t always win the day to day battles, but I am winning the war.

Thank you,

Yelena N.

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