From down and out to up, up, up...
by Love B. Known
Life is full of "fine lines" to eithr cross or jump over. The seperation between the richest people in the world all the way to the poorest comes down to one extra step, one more patient moment, or one positive thought. It is an amazing feeling to finally open your heart and shut off your negative mind. The "what ifs" or "only ifs" begin to vanish and love, kindness, inspiration emerge.
I have been bearing a heavy heart full of hatred and regret. Years of sorrow, feeling bad for myself and blaming others wear on my soul. Tears swell in my eyes when i try to think back to the last time i was truely, geniunely happy. Was i ever happy?
I remeber as a child being spanked for wrong doings. The feelings of humiliation. I remember at night in the basement, trying on different shirts to see which ones made my padded bras look the most like real boobs. I remember always wishing i was that girl, or wishing i had those things, shrugging my shoulders even further to the floor. I never felt loved, i was always on the brink of tears and never felt like anyone liked me. I waited by the phone for best friends to call me, leaving me sad and alone, with the feeling that no one liked me. Nothing i did was ever good enough.
I remember i had problems sleeping in highschool because each night i would replay every moment of the day, all the stupid stuff i had said and how not cool i was. I worried so much that other people didnt like me that, well, they didn't.
I was not fun and boring because i wouldnt do or experiance anything in FEAR. Scared of my own shadow. I was always too tall, too flat chested, too skinny, too slow. I had no energy on the basketball court, and cried after games. I was scared on the court too, which held me back from being the player i was meant to be.
Then college came. To fill my emptiness i turned to sex and drugs to try and fit in. I had no idea who i was, what my values were or what i stood for. Enteractions with boys found me waiting by the phone again. Just happy that anyone was the least bit interested in me allowed anyone and everyone to walk all over me. I had no respect for my body, worth nothing. This took me through 8 years of being beaten down by an unfaithful man.
2 children emerged through this period both whom i love dearly. It was when my daughter was 2 and a half that my life started to change. Instead of marrying for the sake of a family, my daughter stood up to her father and told him not to hit her mommy! A toddler standing up for an adult, my first realization, something had to be done.
Life got better, i felt like i had dodged a bullet and could focus on my daughter and my new son. They were my rock. But still i had no confidence in my abilities, never gave myself credit for accomplishments. My childrens father put me through a lot of heartache and i just kept going back. Only because i didnt feel like anyone else would want me. Emotions consume your whole body, negative thoughts weighed heavy again. I reached out to sex again, that feeling of being close to someone was like a drug numbing the emptiness and lack of self worth. They again left me waiting by the phone and my worst nightmares and my constant thoughts of him cheating on me came true.
It was beginning to feel like i was wishing for drama and heartache and yes all those dreams came true.
Life for me changed again. I found mentors at work, good positive ladies that listened to my groaning and saved me from my emotionally abusive boss, whom once again had been attracted by negative fellings into my life. Once i escaped that drudgery of not wanting to wake up in the morning, things started to change.
Once i stopped worrying about having to make money, the money started falling in my lap, last year i reached my monetary earnings goal.
The "career" aspect of my life was successful because i set goals, had a vision and saw the prize, food on the table for my kids and a roof over our heads. Yet my emotional well being was still so heavy. I still had that feeling like the world owed me love.
While at this new job, with money pouring in and less stress, i decided it was time to for someone different in my life. I left the men that didnt respect me, and slowly started to feel better about myself as i began to make better descisions with whom to spend time with. It was through a friend which i actually reached out to with new found confidence, and a lighter heart whom then reconnected me with an old friend.
This friend suggested a book, the 50th law. It took me a long time to read this book, because i had to be ready and willing to hear and accept the message. The author, Robert Greene delivered a message to me about NO FEAR. 50 cent was the main character in the book and co-author. Fifties story was that of a hard knock life that he chose to escape with visualization and the dream that one day he would be successful.
Life began to start to make sense to me- its what i make it. I control my destiny. Then i bought the video, the secret. From that i learned that whatever we send out into the universe is what is attracted back to us.
The 'wow' moments started for me! I began to not dread having to get out of bed in the morning! I started to have more energy, i could feel happiness start to creep back. I couldnt sleep at night again, but this time because i loved life and wanted to experiance so much that my eyes and brain never calmed down. Its like a new energy had overcome me and i wanted sing and dance and tell people i love them. I want to hug people now, listen to them and help them. Most importantly i am grateful and thankful for all i have. Two amazing children, a tall sexy, athletic body.
There are still hurdles in my life but now i am excited to attack them! I will escape the 9-5 and become my own boss, stress free and ready to help the world and my children know and experiance love and all the world has to offer. I am now attracting strong positive influences in my life and i love each and every moment! Life is good now and will only be getting better. As i finish this last sentence i have a smile on my face because i know everything is going to be great. Tomorrow is the first day of my new amazing journey, as was yesterday, but the only difference is i am 1 day better, smarter and stronger then the last! Love to you all.