broken hearts

by C.E.D
(New Zealand)

Im a father of four and have been married for fifteen years had a lot of pain in my relationship changed myself and my standards to be with the one that I love (this being my first relationship and first sexual partner)I started to smoke even though I hated it then drink this made things easier, we got along, but she still wasn't happy she would take off to go clubbing with her friends and cousins then she cheated on me a lot I didn't know how or what to do because I had never been through this before. I had a sore heart, my world was caving, not sleeping, lost my appetite, nothing seemed good to me anymore, but she always came back.

Through the years we had our children, I let her make all the decision, I had to stop working when she wanted to do something. She did so many courses and different jobs. She could start something but not finish it . By the time all our kids were born we had turned into full alcoholics. I would stay home and drink to watch the kids and she would always go out. It happened like this for a few years. I had started to drink every second. It made me feel happy and I could say no if I wanted.

She left us, me an the kids. I didn't know why. For a long time I was empty again, anxiety was setting in. It was back to lonely even though I had all the kids, I had to figure out how to pay bills, put things under my name. It was scary and I could hardly breath. I was thinking of suicide a lot. It didn't look like it would hurt as much as the pain I was feeling. I was thinking the worst. She was cheating and all that I had been through it was bad.

Since then she wanted to quit smoking and she moved away a couple of times for that but came back and then quit drinking. We battled on that for ages. Make up, break up. I didn't see a lot of things. Alcohol had taken a hold of me, blinded me. I had gained power of, nobody can tell me what to do.

Where I am now, she has left the country it was for other reasons but it got to the point of just let go and move hurt me. I was being strong for the first three months but let my feelings go an it broke me. Thinking of suicide again and again. Good thing I had my mother there when I needed her. This is where positive came into my life. I downloaded some positive apps and read them every day and take deep breaths, spending more time with my kids, seeing them smile makes me feel good. I made some goals, failed a lot but still keeping at it letting go of the hurt in the past so I can move forward. Even letting my wife go ..out of my mind cuz I was going down hill thinking of her and telling my self I control my happiness, I am a good person excepting we were both at fault as to where we got to and forgiving your self and moving on. My focus is all about my kids and being the best I can be just be happy.

I'm so lucky that I have them in my life and so I thank the heavenly father every time I pray. He is there and does guide us, you just have to have faith in him for he loves us all equal. Believe in yourself, you are worth it, you are the best!!!!! If you don't believe it, I do! you are the best to me♡♡♡♡♡ I still love and miss my wife but it is more important that I'm happier, me and the kids xxoo

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